Are You on the Brink of Separation? Finding Clarity When You’re Not Sure About Divorce

If you are reading this, you are likely in a painful place. Perhaps you are considering divorce but aren't completely sure it's the right path. Or perhaps your spouse has told you they want a divorce, and you are desperate to save the marriage.

You are not alone in this dynamic. An estimated 30 percent of couples entering therapy are "mixed-agenda" couples, meaning one partner is leaning out of the relationship while the other wants to work on saving it.

Standard couples therapy often fails these couples because it assumes both people are ready to roll up their sleeves and work on the relationship. When one person has one foot out the door, traditional counseling can be frustrating and ineffective.

I offer a different approach designed specifically for this situation: Discernment Counseling/Therapy.

What is Discernment Counseling?

Discernment counseling is not couples therapy. It is a short-term process designed to help you gain clarity and confidence in your decision-making about the future of your marriage.

The goal is not to solve your marital problems immediately, but to figure out whether you might be able to solve them.

Is Discernment Counseling Suitable for You?

Discernment counseling is specifically designed for mixed-agenda couples or couples where the decision to divorce is not yet final.

This approach is suitable if:

  • One of you is "leaning out" (considering ending the marriage) and the other is "leaning in" (wanting to save it).

  • You are considering divorce but want to take one final look at the relationship to ensure you are making the right decision.

  • You want to understand what happened to the marriage and your own contributions to the problems before making a permanent choice.

  • You want to avoid a hostile divorce and foster a healthy emotional separation if you do choose to part ways.

This approach is NOT suitable if:

  • One partner has already made a final, irreversible decision to divorce and is only looking for "closure counseling" to help the other accept it.

  • There is danger of domestic violence or coercion (we screen for this during the intake process).

The Benefits of Discernment Counseling

Because this is a short-term process (typically 1 to 5 sessions), we focus on immediate clarity rather than long-term change.

For the "Leaning Out" Partner:

  • No Pressure: You will not be pressured to work on the marriage or fix things immediately.

  • Validation: You will be heard and understood regarding your reasons for wanting to leave.

  • Understanding: You will gain a complex understanding of the marriage and your own role in its problems, which is valuable for your future whether you stay or leave.

For the "Leaning In" Partner:

  • Constructive Coping: You will learn how to bring your best self to the crisis and avoid behaviors that make things worse, such as pursuing or scolding your spouse.

  • Insight: You will learn to truly hear and "get" your spouse’s concerns, which is essential if reconciliation is to ever occur.

  • Personal Growth: You will identify parts of yourself that you want to work on, regardless of the relationship's outcome.

How the Process Works

  • Short Term: The process involves 1 to 5 sessions.

  • Separate Conversations: Most of the session time is spent in separate conversations with me. I help each of you individually, then we come together to share brief summaries.

  • No Homework: Unlike traditional therapy, there is no homework to improve the relationship between sessions, because we are working on a decision, not immediate relationship changes.

  • A Safe Space: We do not disclose what is said in individual conversations to the other partner, though we help you summarize what you’ve learned to share with them.

If you are stuck in limbo, Discernment Counseling offers a way to move forward with confidence, regardless of which path you choose.