Grief: Both Sacred and Un-Processed
I've sat with many individuals navigating the turbulent waters of grief. It's a landscape often shrouded in silence in our Western world, a stark contrast to many global cultures that openly embrace the rituals and expressions of loss. Recently, a thought struck me, perhaps an unpopular one: grief is definitely sacred, yet it is also a processing problem. This isn't to diminish the profound pain of loss, but rather to explore the multifaceted nature of how we experience and move through it.
Let's delve into this a little deeper, touching on some crucial observations I've made in my practice and seen reflected in wider societal patterns.
1. Keeping Quiet vs. Sharing it Out Loud
In many Western countries, like the U.S., people often don't talk much about death and grief. It can feel like you’re supposed to keep your sadness inside and just "be strong." This is pretty different from how many other cultures around the world deal with loss. In those places, people often grieve together, out in the open. They might have special traditions and ways to publicly show their sadness and honor who they've lost. These customs help show that it's okay to be sad and make death a more accepted part of life. For example, some cultures have lively memorials that celebrate the person's life, while others have specific periods for open mourning. When a society doesn't really encourage talking about grief, or if there isn't much community support, it can accidentally make people feel very alone. This loneliness can turn a natural sadness into a bigger, more private problem that’s tough to get through by yourself.
2. Guilt After a Loss
Losing someone almost always brings up feelings of guilt and regret. It's common for your mind to keep going over past events, looking closely at what you did or didn't do. You might get caught up in "should haves" and "could haves"—like "I should have called more," or "I could have pushed them to see a doctor," or just "If only I’d been there." Blaming yourself like this often comes from a deep wish that things had turned out differently. It’s also a way we try to make sense of things or feel some control when something huge and uncontrollable happens. But if this guilt hangs around for a long time and you don’t really look at it, it can seriously get in the way of healing. When these kinds of thoughts take over and cause a lot of ongoing pain, they change grief from a natural healing time into a real roadblock, keeping you stuck blaming yourself.
3. Stuck in the Past, Missing Out on Today
When grief hasn't been worked through, it can keep someone stuck in the past, kind of like how anxiety can make you constantly worry. Your attention might be fixed on the moment of loss, or on all the things that won’t happen anymore. Focusing so much on what was lost can stop you from living in the now. But today, this present moment, actually offers a good space to remember people. You can choose to connect with memories of your loved ones not just by seeing the sadness, but with warmth and thankfulness that shows the love is still there and made a difference. If grief mostly keeps you stuck in the sadness of the past, and makes it hard to remember them in a good way now, it might mean you're having a tough time processing the loss and moving forward with it.